Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Science memes
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane