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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
The Backseat Boys
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Hmm, not sure about this change
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…