She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.