“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.