about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.