….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*