Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Awwwww shit.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
LOL!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him