5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me and my fake scenarios
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out