INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes