Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”