Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
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Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
had to share :’)