You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.