I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER