Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.