I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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Not messing around
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.