DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
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I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Follow me for more fitness tips.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion