When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up