The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You Might Also Like
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.