Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*checks Timeline*…
can you read it!!??
maan!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation