To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
me when I see my crush
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH