Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I only treason on days ending in y
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.