WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
New menu item
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
This kid will have a bright future.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
new career option?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there