a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
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Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
what the
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
then why did i get this email
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*