12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
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I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.