Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.