a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
That’s a good costume, I hope.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.