Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.