*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
hmm conte-me mais
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The first matador
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.