DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
smh
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.