great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
You Might Also Like
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.