[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
This fish is cracking me up