Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator