It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Somebody call the cops.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I have a black belt in leather
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible