“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
You Might Also Like
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.