Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body