centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I am having an out of money experience.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.