Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
not for long
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
peak technology
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The best shot in the history of golf
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
knights of the ikea table
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?