After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’