reminder
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.