Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.