[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I hope it’s French Onion!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴