I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Okey dokey.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Meow
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.