Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
You Might Also Like
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.