13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My last name is Zilla.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.