*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo