“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.