Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
😂🤣😂🤣
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what