(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
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kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
smartest karate player in the world
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣