Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
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me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Blew out my flip flop…
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.