I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
THIS HEADLINE
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.